Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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