You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
