I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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