maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
two words...techno handjob
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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