Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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