I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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