he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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