fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
