I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
