I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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