Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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