I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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