New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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