I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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