I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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