party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
