So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
