I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
