Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
