Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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