You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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