When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Randomize
