sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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