never play flip cup with pint glasses
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
