I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
