Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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