I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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