Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
