Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
organizing the empties. That sober.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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