Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
