I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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