I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
