I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
