you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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