I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
