life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
