Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
