you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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