I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
