So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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