Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Nicole vs. Life
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
