You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
