I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
