Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
