I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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