OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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