You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
