I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
