You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
