Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
