Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
