It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
