I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
