ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
